Someday, the World is Going to Need Me

“Someday, the world is going to need me.” said the Jewish, pothead character on the movie Road Trip as he moves along in an arrogant strut. That’s how I’ve always felt, and it seems to drive most decisions in my life. Am I alone? Could be.
Now, his contribution to society ended up being an untraceable, overly potent strain of marijuana, and I hope my charge will be somewhat nobler. I see my lack of contentment for an ordinary life as a double edged sword. It motivates me to improve myself and my situation and lately I’ve started harnessing it rather than hiding it and letting it fester. After a steady diet of bullshit taken all through school, I finally feel like I am my own person. I’ve started to take the “I don’t care what you think” attitude, and I like it.
The other edge certainly isn’t any less sharp. A lack of contentment has seemed to translate into a lack of commitment in some cases. I can’t remember the last time I was fully committed to a girl. Wait, yes I can. It was over three years ago. Why did that seemingly compassionate, cohesive relationship end? Lack of contentment. Ever meet a 22 year old who’s having a midlife crisis? Now you have. Something in my head snapped, telling me “Hey Tony, guess what? You get to sit in a cubical for the next 40 years, then retire and die.”
I hate to say it, but that break up was the start of a new life - A new life that I didn’t embrace for about 3 years. My need to be important has driven me to have 4 different jobs in the last 2 years. I’ve pushed myself socially and mentally on a career level, but switching jobs every year isn’t exactly a desirable quality in a would-be employee.
With my new job, I do quite a bit of traveling, mainly to major coastal cities. I love it. Whenever I used to fly, I would see businessmen travelling and think “Man, I would make that look so cool!” I am also moving to a new city, Austin, TX. I know I’m going to love it there, but it seems like there are too many places I haven’t lived, so my stay there may be a short one.
I am the most eclectic person I know. That certainly isn’t me bragging. My lack of contentment makes me dabble. I’m constantly trying new things and rotating different hobbies. I can play the guitar, but not great. I can write software well, but not great. I can make sweet passionate love… great. “A leader isn’t great at anything, but good at everything.” Well, I’m not great at anything, so I could probably be President.
Who do you know that loves hard rock and techno? You do you know that has a tool belt and also a pair of snake skin shoes from London? Is that good? Isn’t that what women are constantly saying they want in a man? Flexibility? The ability to excel in any situation? Lay down an iron fist and also show emotion? So why is it that the only ones that seem attracted to me are the fatties, fuglies and fags (I’m not a biased, they just happened to make an alliteration) … (Ok I biased against fatties) … (Seriously, get out of the drive-thru and get on a fucking treadmill) … (And come on, don’t feed your kids that shit!)?
Well, it’s called “The pursuit of happiness” for a reason. No one is ever happy (except for Kurt Cobain and Dave _____ I guess). We want what we can’t have and once we get it we take it for granted. Women want all those things, but they don’t look in the right place for it, nor do they appreciate it once it’s there. I’m not saying I’m a Nice Guy, but they do finished last, unless you’re one of the lucky ones who gets set up with some girl who only stays single for 5 days by a mutual friend. Face it. This day in age, everyone is single and no one seems to want to help anyone else out. I’ll admit I’m that way too. It’s a goddam dating recession, except I’m calling it a recession before it’s actually over!
So what, you might be thinking makes this self-righteous, over-opinionated bastard think he’s special? Well, when I was a little kid an old woman (the only elderly person I’ve ever really liked. Seriously) that was a friend of the family told me so. Now, was prophesying or was that the conception of it all? It’s like the movies where someone goes back in time to warn himself about something, then fucks it up in a different way. Then you wonder, if they got warned and it still happened, shouldn’t you NOT go back to warn them? But then if you don’t warn them, nothing will change! Ugh, shoot me now.
I’m also reminded of that modern parable of the guy in a flood who says “God will save me” to the three boats that stop by. The man drowns and at the pearly gates he asks God why he didn’t save him, to which the Big Man replies, “I tried three times!” I know I won’t achieve anything without trying, but I just need to know what to try. What am I waiting for? What is everyone waiting for? Obviously most people never receive their call to duty. Most people die unhappy and unfulfilled. I don’t want to invoke a damper mood, but again I ask, why do I feel like I should be the lucky bastard who actually reaches a non-drug-induced nirvana in this life?
So what, prey tell, is my point to all this verbal upchuck? I don’t have a fucking clue. I detest outlines for anything but around dead hookers’ bodies. The truth is that the more answers I think I have, the more questions I ponder. As a child, my father told me the story of Solomon, the wisest man in all the land. God asked him what he wanted. Solomon asked for wisdom. After time, he got it. Many people (including me) sit around unhappy and blame everyone else for it. I had a conversation awhile back with a dear friend, who has royally fucked up his life and the lives of everyone in his family. He was complaining about the downfall of our society. I said to him flat out “What do you want, Mike? What do you want that you don’t have the ability to achieve yourself?” He had no answer. I stumped the smartest man I’ve ever met.Do you think if you pray for strength, God will make you strong? Or will he give you an opportunity to be strong? If you pray for wisdom, will he give it to you, or will he give you opportunities to be wise? From Tiki Barber’s Escalade commercial I paraphrase “I worked my ass off, and the guy ahead of me went down. I was ready for the opportunity and have been a starter ever since.” What are we waiting for? I don’t have a clue and may never have a clue, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to be prepared for it.

A Fallen Comrade

Earlier today I got an IM from a friend telling me to call them right away. I was worried, but was in a meeting. I got another IM from my mother telling me to do the same. ...I already knew what had happened...

...a few months back I visited a high school friend that I hadn't seen in a year or two. He was the child-prodigy type but with a very troubled soul. Since high school he had been in and out of depression and drug abuse, but always seemed to pull himself together. A few years back he sunk so low that he attempted suicide, but of course pulled himself back together.

During our visit, everything started out the same as any two good friends reuniting: having a good time and talking about what was going on in each other’s lives. This evening, however, digressed. He started philosophizing about the degradation of our society and preaching a cold, dark message on the meaning of life. The problem was not that his thoughts were insane or inaccurate; it was that this mindset had taken him over. Throughout the night, I tried to pull him out of it, but at every turn, it reverted back to chilling banter. Towards the end of the night, he got very bitter and started making personal attacks which I did my best to shrug off.

That night and the next day I was very worried about him and prayed for him, but that worry turned into distain for his blatant batting away of my outstretched hand. ...I could have done something...

As I finally got a chance to return my mother's call, she asked me if I was sitting down. I said "Just say it. I already know what happened." I didn't. She then told me that my good friend, a little boy who would cover his face with his hands when he got nervous, a National Merit Scholar with a full ride to KU had slit his little brother's throat. He later called the Police after slitting his own wrists.

I certainly don't blame myself, but I feel like there was more I could have done. I thought that my feeble attempt at trying to get him to enjoy a night out was enough. No one knows why it happened, but he was fighting his daemons and he needed more help. Depression is a very serious thing and no matter how gifted a person is, and how much potential they have, it can stop them dead in their tracks. If you have anyone in your life that is going difficult times, please be there for them and do as much as you possibly can.

Our generation has been extremely arrogant and made any mention of God taboo. Most of us consider ourselves Christians, but I certainly can't remember the last time I acted like one. I wish I would have sat down with him that night and prayed. Who cares if they think you're a loser for it? If anything, they'll see that you are more fulfilled with Christ than they are without.

My thoughts and prayers are with the family. Rest in peace, Doug.